(Dood alert! From time to time, the Dood, who was introduced to the general populace in Sex, Jugs, And Rock and Roll, will make his hirsute appearance. As he did today.)

As a general rule, Mama doesn’t watch too much TV. She sees an awful lot of documentaries, a few select movies, and the running commentary of BBC World and CNN. Lately, though – I’ve been worried about her. She’s had her nose stuck in a book with the ominous title “The Climax of Rome” for days. You wonder what the word “climax” has to do with coin issues and the escalating inflation of the third century AD, but she’s not telling and I sure as hell won’t ask. I can just hear it now. “Aw, fuck. YOU again!”

Yesterday, she was watching a program on the Beeb called “Click”, a user-friendly tech show about everything new and happening in geek paradise, the kind that makes its viewers feel as if they, too can be on top of all the bleeding-edge stuff – for at least the next 20 minutes or so.

Well, wouldn’t you know, she came to find out there was this iPhone app out called Chastity 2.0. It keeps track if you’re one of those poor souls who’ve been hoodwinked into saving your “purity” for marriage. But this one, man – it’s for the iPhone your dad gave in exchange for signing one of those stupid contracts and getting a purity ring, so everyone else knows about it, too. It pays to advertise, right?

That was IT, I’m tellin’ ya. I mean, that was IT! I’ve been languishing in some mental Siberian gulag for months, but a Dood can only take so much, ya know what I’m sayin’?

She’s written about these people before, a long time ago, in the post “A cross to bear“. So if you’ve read it, and even if you haven’t, you might suspect that Mama was never, ever, some goody-two-shoes nice girl, who saved her cherry for her wedding night with Her One and Only. She made sure to lose it at 15 to some lucky guy she never saw again, and considered it a stepping stone to becoming well and truly bad.

In 1978, at the height of punk, this was thought of as cool.

If she had waited until her wedding night, she would have been 37, with a six year old daughter from a previous relationship, which kinda blows the whole purity thing up, wouldn’t you say? Hubby would not have approved, being a slightly shady Gemini who wouldn’t go near Virgos or virgins for love or money.

But now, all these years later, there are things like teenaged daughters to think about. The idea of her tender lookalike daughter waiting for a moment that might never happen makes her Mommy blood run cold.

A moot point anyway, since that teenager is no longer a virgin.

So that got me thinking. The Internet is full of places for the virtuously inclined. They’re even on Facebook, for God’s sake!

But what about the likes of us, who encourage young, impressionable girls wo really, truly want to know ALL there is to know about that phenomenon called womanhood? How do you learn to crack the proverbial whip in a room full of testosterone bombs? Is there an Emily Post etiquette guide for spontaneous orgies? Kate Perry kissed a girl, but what would happen if you did? (Hint – it might be more fun than you could possibly imagine!) Can you find categories like “How to give the perfect blowjob” on eHow? Will Vogue ever run an article in their beauty pages on “Multiple orgasms and mascara – the truth!”?

Maybe when hell freezes over or Anna Wintour retires, but not one second before!

Did you even know that there’s a lipstick out there called “Afterglow”?

Well, here’s another little factoid out there for all you US readers. Of the 50 US states, 49 have opted out of sex education for high school students. Only California refused, on the grounds that it was unconstitutional, given that the higher goal of any school is to prepare their students for adult life.

As for the rest of them, there’s the Purity Pledge 2.0 iPhone app. This will do wonders to ameliorate any confusion over things like contraception, teenaged pregnancy, homosexuality or bisexuality or even the simple, distasteful and – fess up! – indisputable fact that when the Great Beast Libido raises its not altogether pretty head, a kid is dealing with one of the two most powerful biological urges he or she will ever encounter. Then again, an iPhone can vibrate, or so I’ve heard…

I therefore propose an education in debauchery. Call it Debauchery 2.0 Beta. (Debauchery will always be a work in progress!)

Let’s teach those poor girls the really important stuff, all wrapped in a nifty little iPhone app with everything you wanted to know but your Mom would blush to tell you! There would be things like “How to give a blow job without throwing up – and why you should learn”, “Responsible sex and YOU, yes, YOU”, “Etiquette for orgies” and “Out of the closet? Bring it ON!”. “You want me to WHAT?” “Pain and pleasure – a love story!” “Fuck me shoes and how to wield them!” “Not an Irish Airline.” “O solo mio! Oh! Oh! Oh!”

Once you’re past the baby stuff and over the age of 18, we could build on extras. We could call it Depravity Rules! Keep track of your one-knight stands, and which of them you accidentally sent a dirty text message one night you landed in a vat of mojitos. It would feature things like a handy one-stop store for things like Trojans and Astro-Glide, that would be delivered to your door, in discreet packaging, of course.

For the dedicated, there would be the Total Dissipation app. “Perfect perversity”. “Corruption Central” “Erudite Erotica”. Maybe you’re an astrology nut? Virgos too clean for you? Darling, if you really want to surf the Dark SIde of the Force, find a Pisces black metal fan. Scorpios have nothing on them, trust me! I suspect they were taught by a Pisces, in fact. “The Beginner’s Guide to Fetishes.” “Ping-pong to plaited leather – a use and abuse manual.”

That, darlings, would be responsible parenting. To teach your children – boys and girls both! – how to tread the minefield of adulthood and find out for themselves what works for them and what doesn’t – without fear, without shame but with an open mind and an insatiable – curiosity.

Those apps would certainly teach them more than any stupid ring ever could! I rest my case. But I’ll be back.

Just as soon as she gets her nose out of that effing Roman climax!

Image: Hieronymus Bosch, “The Garden of Earthly Delights”, 1503/04 (detail)
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