25 truths

In the spirit of all those “25 things you never knew” lists, here come mine, in no particular order. The bad news is, I actually had to think all this over. The good news is, it’s all downhill from there.

1. In order to get me in the mood to write on what I call The Effing Book, I have to clear my brain of the 21st century first. That’s where this blog comes in.

2. I will go to my grave without ever knowing who my father is, or was. I know only that I inherited his blood type and his eye color, among other things. This really narrows the field. Not.

3. I can go without makeup for days, sometimes for weeks. I cannot, however, live without perfume.

4. I love cats more than all dogs except Bassetts, and I’m not big on ferrets. Or reptiles. And if I ever buy a pedigreed cat, it will be a Turkish Van. More fun than a VW.

5. By the time I turned 12, I had known three stepfathers. One of them changed my life in ways big and small he could not have begun to imagine.

6. My first ever rock concert was at the West Palm Beach Auditorium, when I was nine years old. It was Alice Cooper. I brought my Dad. He loved every minute of it. It gave me a terminal case of rockaholism, that persists to this day.

7. The first album I ever owned that I’m not ashamed to admit to was Supertramp’s “Breakfast in America”. I can still listen to it today and not be embarrassed. The last album I got and received as a present on its European release day was Type O Negative’s “Dead Again”.

8. I was 22 before I ever saw a porn film. At a movie theater. With my boyfriend at the time. No, we didn’t.

9. I was 37 before I married for the first time. I’m still married. To the same man. That’s why I waited.

10. Now I know why mothers worship their sons. I worship my own. He’s the only other Capricorn in my life I consider a household god.

11. My sister is my all-time best female friend. With an added dimension, and added potential for danger. She’s known me too long.

12. Facebook is a total waste of time.

13. I have always believed that there is no such thing as owning too many books.

14. In a perfect world, I’d be eight inches taller. At least with heels, I’m halfway there.

15. My favorite candy bar is a Butterfinger. You can’t buy them over here. US friends – take note!

16. Yves Saint Laurent was the greatest fashion designer who ever lived. Period. Followed by Vivienne Westwood and Jean-Paul Gaultier, both of whom are still alive and make clothes for women who have tits and curves and who aren’t afraid to show them.

17. At one point in my life, I sported a two-foot faux Mohawk. Blue. With the attitude to match. I still have the attitude. Actually, I have more of it now, because I care less.

18. You can take the girl out of Goth(am), but you will never quite take the Goth out of the girl. I fully expect to be wearing ripped fishnets when I’m eighty. You have been warned!

19. If not for the Resident Buttkicker, I would never have begun to write anything at all.

20. I also owe a debt of gratitude to an Ethiopian goatherder, who discovered some very tasty Energizer berries around 1400 years ago. A world without coffee is not a world I want to live in.

21. My favorite writer of antiquity is Aristophanes. My favorite Roman poet is Martial, for being such a pottymouth. Both of them wrote punchlines that are still funny 2000+ years later.

22. A large bunch of Easter lilies will turn me into a pathetic puddle of gratitude.

23. Sexy is all in the attitude. I’ve known plenty of drop-dead gorgeous women who were as sexy as used dishrags. And lots of not-so-perfect human specimens of both genders who are not exactly gorgeous, but still drop-dead sexy.

24. Some guys love smart women, and plenty of other ones don’t. I hang out with the first category.

25. Flattery does get you everywhere.

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